NEO GENETIC EBANGERION
by Michael418
Summary: A look behindthescenes at the difficulty of producing evangelionbloopers
1. A BEGINNING TO AN EPIC!

These are meant as humorous bloopers of specific scenes in the series and a behind-the-scenes look at the real personalities of these actors. I do not own eva, or any of the various types of Music, movies, etc. that I insulted in this first chapter.  
  
And yes, I know that Kaworu is *NOT* gay.  
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NEO GENETIC EBANGERION Exodus 0:1  
  
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CHAPTER 1: EPISODE 9  
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Scene 1: The fight with Israfel  
  
Units 01 and 02 are launched up into the air, about to begin their dance-of-destruction against Israfel. The music begins to play, Asuka and Shinji seem to be concentrating, when th--  
  
Director: CUT!  
  
Misato: What? Why, the scene was just getting started.  
  
*Ritsuko walks up to Misato's face, with a stern look on her face*  
  
Ritsuko: We have to totally reanimate that scene so that the strides of the eva units match with the beats in the new piece that we are implementing into this scene.  
  
Misato: And what Musical piece is that?  
  
*Ritsuko tries to hold the serious look on her face, though Misato happens to notice this*  
  
Ritsuko: "Memories" by... hah... Barbra Streisand... hahahahahahaha!  
  
*Ritsuko collapses to the floor in fits of laughter, Misato feeling the urge to strangle someone... anyone*  
  
Misato: Why the hell does it have to be Barbra Streisand?  
  
Ritsuko: Careful, we were also thinking of using an N'Sync song for that scene--  
  
*Misato quiets herself*  
  
Ritsuko: And we also could have done a POD song.  
  
Misato: P.O.D. WHAT DOES THAT STAND FOR, PISSED-OFF DICKS?  
  
Ritsuko: How the hell would I know, that's like trying to figure out why some people like Barry Manillow.  
  
Misato: ...  
  
Director: By the way, where is Gendo, I haven't seen him lately.  
  
*Gendo comes rushing into the studio, clad only in boxers, with Kaworu chasing him*  
  
Gendo: *Speaking to Kaworu* LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! I AM NOT GAY!!!!!  
  
Kaworu: Sure you're not... come here, and I'll tickle your--  
  
Gendo: GO AWAY!!!!! ANGELS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HOMOSEXUALS!!!!!  
  
Kaworu: Do you want to see how heavenly I can be in bed?  
  
Gendo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
*They exit the studio door, leaving the director shaking his head*  
  
Director: *sighing* Some things are best left unseen.  
  
Ritsuko: Haha, next thing you know, Maya will tell me that she has a crush on me. Haha, that would be a nightmare.  
  
*Ritsuko continues to laugh heartily*  
  
*Maya, who was hiding behind one of the stage props, blushes and runs away*  
  
Maya: Oh well... at least I was saved from the humiliation.  
  
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Scene 2: Sleepwalking scene  
  
Asuka flops down beside Shinji, her huge breasts sticking out in his face. They pull closer, ready to kiss, but Asuka mutters something on her lips as her eyes swell up with tears.  
  
Asuka: Bi-- Big Mac. I want a Big Mac. With a coke and some fries, and a little Mickey Mouse toy that comes with the meals.  
  
*She grins, still in her acted sleep*  
  
Shinji: WHAT THE FUCK?!?! THAT WASN'T IN THE SCRIPT!  
  
Director: CUT!  
  
*Shinji stands up, scowling down at Asuka, rage in his eyes*  
  
Shinji: Asuka, why did you do that. Are you trying to deprieve me of my sleep and of my women? I've got 4 well-endowed girls back in my tralier waiting for me, and they aren't wearing anything. I don't care how whiny I am in this stupid role, it's not your place to take away my late-night joy.  
  
*Asuka is still pretend-sleeping, a tiny sliver of drool working it's way down the side of her mouth*  
  
Shinji: ASUKA, THE SCENE IS OVER!!!!! GET UP, NOW!!!!!  
  
*Asuka doesn't move from her position*  
  
Director: Um, I think that she really is sleeping.  
  
Shinji: WHAT?!?!  
  
*Shinji gently nudges Asuka with his shoe; she doesn't move*  
  
Shinji: SHIT! Oh well, this is a valuable oppurtunity.  
  
*Shinji, practically drooling in anticipation, and still a bit mad at her, positions himself in between her legs*  
  
Director: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?  
  
Shinji: She deprived me of my nookie, now she will be mine.  
  
*Asuka's eyes burst open, she sits up and slaps Shinji hard in the face*  
  
Asuka: IT FIGURES! THE MOMENT I'M LEFT UNGUARDED, YOU TRY TO RAPE ME!  
  
Shinji: LISTEN, IF YOU HADN'T FALLEN ASLEEP, I COULD HAVE HAD A GIRL SUCKING ME OFF AT THIS VERY MOMENT! SO YOU SHOULD DONATE! NOW START BLOWING ME, RIGHT NOW!  
  
Asuka: NO WAY!!!!!  
  
*While the two quarrel in the background, Kensuke heads for Rei's trailer*  
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Rei's Tralier:  
  
* Rei, pacing around her Mansion sized trailer, wearing only a fully-buttoned shirt and animal panties, argues with someone on the phone*  
  
Rei: *On the phone* Tell SEELE that I'm going to skip this meeting, if it's important, they'll send me a bulletin in the mail. I'm busy.  
  
*The person on the other end chatters for five minutes*  
  
Rei: What do you mean, suspend me from SEELE for 18 weeks?!?! My fans will raid their HQ and kill them all.  
  
*The person on the other end chatters for five minutes*  
  
Rei: I have more loyal fanboys following me than Misato does, don't tell me that I "exaggerate" on my expansive fan-base. They would jump in lava for me, so there.  
  
*The person on the other end chatters for five minutes*  
  
Rei: Was that a threat? Hey, isn't this harrasment of a celebrity?  
  
*The person on the other end chatters for ten minutes*  
  
Rei: Who cares about Hollywood's opinion of me and my acting? Hollywood can go lick it's own ass, they have created very few good films anyway. Fucking hypocrites. "King of the world" my ass. Corny, stupid, dumb-ass romances are always springing from them.  
  
*The person on the other end chatters for ten minutes*  
  
Rei: Does it make a difference if I engage in lesbian activites with my clones? It isn't their business. I bet the actors on "Queer as folk" are gay in real-life to. But I don't go and investigate and intrude in their pivate lives.  
  
*The person on the other end chatters for ten minutes*  
  
Rei: Why would people say to put me on the Jerry Springer show? Just because my clones are too hot to resist? Screw that. I don't need any money THAT bad.  
  
*The person on the other end chatters for ten minutes*  
  
Rei: So what if I live in a trailer? Is it any of YOUR concern?  
  
*The person on the other end hangs up*  
  
Rei: *furiously throwing the phone down* FUCK YOU TOO!  
  
*There's a knock at the door, and in Enters Kaji, wearing a maid's outfit, with a duster in his hand, almost on the verge of crying*  
  
Kaji: I've dusted the windows, I've washed down the Attic, now please... can I please get sme rest?  
  
Rei: Mmmmmmmm, no. Stripdance in front of Hikari again though and I might consider it. Now, the Cellar is simply horrid. Go and sweep in there.  
  
Kaji: *now crying* Yes maam.  
  
Rei: What's my name bitch?  
  
Kaji: Rei...  
  
Rei: I SAID WHAT'S MY NAME, BITCH?  
  
Kaji: REI, REI MY MASTER! REI AYANAMI THE BEAUTIFUL!  
  
Rei: *smiling* Good.  
  
*As Kaji walks down the stairs, he begins to mutter*  
  
Kaji: First she makes me screw an apple pie, then she makes me stripdance in front of 14 year old girls... no sleep, no money, LIFE SUCKS!  
  
*With this he grabs a stuffed toy and begins to hug it as his sobs become louder and louder*  
  
TO BE CONTINUED (hopefully)  
  
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PREVIEW OF THE NEXT CHAPTER: Whatever happened to Kensuke on his way? Will Kaji ever be able to get some rest? Will Shinji and Asuka ever complete Episode 9? All these questions and more will be answered in Neo Genetic Ebangerion Exodus 0:2 


	2. ONE REALLY FUCKED UP ASSORTMENT OF THING...

I don't own Eva, please do not sue me.  
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NEO GENETIC EBANGERION Exodus 0:2  
  
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CHAPTER 2: ONE REALLY FUCKED UP ASSORTMENT OF THINGS  
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Interview 1: EVA 01  
  
Interviewer: Tell me, is there anything that you dislike about your role?  
  
EVA 01: Well, for one thing, I hate how the pilots get all of the sympathy.  
  
Interviewer: What do you mean?  
  
EVA 01: Anytime after a violent battle, people always go "Aw, poor Shinji felt the pain of his arm getting blown off" while I actually do get my arm blown off, and no one ever shows any concern. I think I deserve better than that.  
  
Interviewer: Maybe they suspect that you have no feelings.  
  
EVA 01: I SAVE THAT LITTLE PRICK EVERYTIME HE MESSES UP IN A BATTLE!! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO, DANCE AROUND IN A TOP HAT AND START RAPPING?  
  
Interviewer: Please don't scream, it's inpol--  
  
EVA 01: I'LL SCREAM WHENEVER I DAMN WELL WANT TO!!  
  
Interviewer: Okay, okay, fine. Next question: Is it true that you are having an affair with one of the angels?  
  
EVA 01: I suppose you are speaking of my honey-poo Zeruel.  
  
Interviewer: Okay, but didn't you have to eat him in your role?  
  
EVA 01: That was a mechanical dummy in that particular scene. I would never hurt my dear, dear Zeruel. And I did eat Zeruel, just not in the wat that yo--*face turns red* Next question please.  
  
Interviewer: Alright. Do you have any feelings for Gendo?  
  
EVA 01: ...............I'm not really into Necrophilia.  
  
Interviewer: Not really?  
  
EVA 01: Next question please.  
  
Interviewer: *getting slightly annoyed* Fine. When you talk about Shinji, you don't sound like the concerned parent that you are.  
  
EVA 01: She's not in me anymore. She wanted to be closer to Shinji, so she moved into Misato's vacuum cleaner.  
  
Interviewer: SHE HAS A VACUUM CLEANER?!?!  
  
EVA 01: Yes; surprising I know, but she does have one.  
  
Interviewer: Okay, do you have an feelings for any of the children?  
  
EVA 01: ..............  
  
Interviewer: I can wait.  
  
EVA 01: Next question please.  
  
Interviewer: Oh come on, cut me some slack and just answer the damned qu--  
  
EVA 01: NEXT. FUCKING. QUESTION. PLEASE.  
  
Interviwer: Fuck you, answer the damned question, you angel-fucking sl--  
  
*SPLAT*  
  
Director: Please, in the future, do not squash the interviewers.  
  
EVA 01: .............  
  
*Explosion sounds*  
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German sex videos 1: Donkey luvin'  
  
Woman: Ich möchte auf Ihrem Esel saugen.  
  
Man: Schmecken Esel gut?   
  
Woman: Ja, und Ihr Esel schaut gut.  
  
Spanish ape: Soy un homosexual!!  
  
Woman: AFFEESEL, AFFEESEL, AFFEESEL, AFFEESEL!!  
  
*Copies of the dvd "Fake" begin to fade*  
  
Cait Sith: Nani?  
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The angel chronicles 1: An angel's sadness  
  
I am kept within this horrible place called heaven.  
So much happiness; but I could never love.  
  
WHHHHYYYYY, DO I HAVE TO SEE MY BROTHERS KILLED?  
WHHHHYYYYY, MUST I SUFFER IN BLISSFUL HARMONY?  
WHHHHYYYYY, DO THEY SAY IT'S PERFECT HERE?  
  
I am cold, fading from reality. I wanted to feel real emotion. Now, I am fading awayyyyyyyyyyyyyy..............................  
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Kensuke: This chapter REALLY sucked!! What happened to me you ask, I had to read that angel's shitty poem because Rei shoved a dildo too far up my ass and caused internal bleeding. Now I'm in paradise. Oh yeah, episode 9 was finally completed!!  
  
Gay mexican psycho angel: Pene... jabbed me en mi ojo... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Kensuke: Yeah, this is paradise.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
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PREVIEW OF THE NEXT CHAPTER:  
  
*The screen is blank, then Asuka's voice is heard*  
  
Asuka: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MISATO'S VACUUM CLEANER?!!?!?  
  
Coming next time in Neo Genetic Ebangerion Exodus 0:3 


	3. TEH CONCLUSION TO TEH EPIC SAGA OF NEO G...

Warning: This chapter of NGE contains excessive sexual content, graphic violent content, yaoi, yuri, a MPE (Mass-produced Eva) with a wigger personality, and of course, massive amounts of stupid things not to be tried at home. Though if you're reading this fic mini-series, those are most likely the type of things that you sick, twisted people are hoping to read. This is for all of you big kids who are 17 and up, but if you are a teen/pre-teen/alien, then heed this warning: Don't get caught, but have fun reading this perverted fic!!  
  
  
  
NEO GENETIC EBANGERION: EXODUS 0:3 *Maniacal laughing erupts from a viewer, who is yanked aside with a cane*  
  
THE GRANDPA-SPANKING CONCLUSION!!!!  
  
*Huge words begin to scroll down the moniter "Star Wars" style*  
  
* On cue, cheesy sci-fi music sounds from the background*  
  
EPISODE 3: AN ANNOYING SPACE PORTAL  
  
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, (well, not really) a huge space portal opened up from god-who-knows-where after the completion of episode 9 and sucked two human beings, Asuka and Shinji into a strange world where men wearing bras is considered normal and a gibberish speaking god in the form of an 80 year old grasshopper is the ruler of the planet.  
  
Back on Earth, Ritsuko is busy at work creating a new device to locate and find Shinji an' Asuka so that they can finish the remaining episodes of the dramatic anime series "Shinseiki Evangelion."  
  
Maya is at home fantasizing that her and Ritsuko are doing it, and finds out that her cum can be used as a weapon because of the ultra- high acid concentration within it.  
  
Misato enlists the help of the gradnolbots, tiny afro- wearing alien insects, who get squashed by a car tire before they can be of any use.  
  
SEELE has launched a suprise assault on NERV, but Rei showed up in Unit-00 to stall them for a bit. Then the Mass-produced Eva series was used to attack Unit-00, and the battle is still raging.  
  
________________ and now our story continues... ______________________________________  
  
Stage 1: Ritsuko's desperate search for the children  
  
Maya: Installation of the final drive is complete!  
  
Aoba: Primary sensory unit is up and ready.  
  
Hyuga: The electromagnetic waves are stable.  
  
Ritsuko: Good! Now, launch the barrier sattelite!  
  
All of the bridge bunnies: ROGER!  
  
*Misato walks in*  
  
Misato: What is this barrier sattelite thing again?  
  
Ritsuko: There is a metaphysical barrier between each and every dimension, each which house their own set of dimensions. Technically, if we could launch a canister of negative-electromagnetic energy into the epicenter of all the barriers, then we could penetrate the core and be able to peer into these alternate dimensions. Thus, we could locate Shi--  
  
Misato: You lost me.  
  
*Ritsuko grunts in annoyance*  
  
Ritsuko: Don't worry about it.  
  
Misato: Alright. So when will we be able to start?  
  
Ritsuko: In a minute--  
  
*A red light starts to flash on and off(  
  
Ritsuko: --Now in fact.  
  
*Maya flips her chair around*  
  
Maya: There's a problem.We don't have enough negative-electromagnetic energy to be able to engage a visual unit.  
  
Ritsuko: Dammit. Is there an audio unit?  
  
Maya: Yes Maam.  
  
Ritsuko: Then we will have to proceed with just that. Engage the audio unit now!  
  
Maya: Yes Maam.  
  
Misato: What's the matter?  
  
Ritsuko: We didn't put in enough of the negative-electromagnetic energy to be able to let us get a visual unit, only an audio unit. In other words, we will be able to hear what's going on, but not able to see it. Understand?  
  
Misato: I think so.  
  
Ritsuko: Okay.  
  
Hyuga: Ready to engage the audio unit in first dimension!  
  
Ritsuko: Proceed.  
  
Hyuga: Yes Maam.  
  
2015 AUDIO UNIT ENGAGING:  
  
Sanosuke: Oh Kenshin, you make me so horny.  
  
Kenshin: *giggling like a little girl* Mmmm, Sano, there is more than one use for a reverse-blade sword, you know.  
  
Sanosuke: *slurping* Show me, you hot fucking imperialist slut.  
  
*Sweatdrops show up on everyone's head, except for Aoba, who is listening with disturbing glee*  
  
Ritsuko: GO THROUGH THE NEXT BARRIER NOW!!!!! NOW!!!!! QUICKLY!!!!!  
  
Aoba: *who was just broken from his fantasy* Y-yes Maam.  
  
Aoba: It'll take two minutes for the unit to arrive to the next dimension  
  
Ritsuko: Alright.  
  
*everyone momentarily relaxes*  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ _  
  
Stage 2: The annoying mass-produced evas  
  
*Rei has downed Units 07, 09, and 06 for the 3'rd time*  
  
Rei: WHY THE HELL WON'T YOU STUPID LOOKING BASTARDS STAY DEAD?!?!  
  
Unit 08: *Starts to slober* Unit 00... perty... heh heh heh... BURP!!  
  
Unit 12: We don't want to stay dead, yo! What the fuck you want, you mother, motherfucker?  
  
Unit 10: I think that Unit 00 classifies as an enemy of ours.  
  
Rei: SHUT UP, YOU FUCKING 3 STOOGES!!!  
  
*Rei slams a rock into Unit 08's head, which causes it to have an orgasm before it dies*  
  
*Unit 12 swings at Rei, misses, then gets it's arm crushed as Rei slams her fist into it*  
  
Unit 12: HEY!!! That hurt, yo!  
  
*Unit 10 jumps onto Rei's back, but Rei retaliates by shoving her spear into it's core*  
  
Unit 10: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
*Unit 10 drops down lifeless, and it's power goes out for good*  
  
*Units 08, 07, 09, and 06 are back on there feet again and circle Rei in the sky like vultures*  
  
Rei: Why didn't Unit 10 get back... I get it. I have to attack their cores!!  
  
Unit 13: Does Unit 00 like pussy? Hehehe.  
  
*Rei breaks Unit 13's neck, breaks open it's chest, and begins to crush the core with her hands*  
  
Unit 13: Eeekkkkk!!  
  
*the core gets crushed by Rei*  
  
*Unit 12 grabs onto Rei's leg and bites into it*  
  
*Rei screams in agony, then stomps Unit 12's core with her foot*  
  
Unit 05: You will die!!  
  
*Unit 05 hurls it's shield at Rei, which bloodies her right shoulder blade*  
  
Rei: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ _  
  
Stage 3: Back at NERV HQ  
  
Maya: We are ready to engage the audio unit in second dimension!  
  
Ritsuko: Proceed!  
  
Maya: Yes Maam.  
  
2015 AUDIO UNIT ENGAGING:  
  
Momiji: Wow, I hate myjapanesevoicebecauseshetalkssofastthatyoucan'tunderstandwhatsheissaying!!  
  
Heero: You will die, Momiji. You slept with my lover, Spike, so I will have to kill you!  
  
Spike: The devil made me do it!! Honest!!  
  
Momiji: Heyyou, heismybestpartnerinbedsodon'tkillhimHeero, otherwiseIwillbeforcedtospoutoutthe"damselindistress"crap. AndnoIdon'tlikewhippedcreamyoupervert!!Gotthat?  
  
Heero:...  
  
Spike:Wow, I feel like having steamy, hot sex with Ein the dog now. Ein, come here boy. Ahhh, good bo-- ahhh, yeah I'm in heaven, ahh--  
  
Ritsuko: OH DEAR GOD, CHANGE IT NOW!!!!! HURRY!!!!!  
  
All of the bridge bunnies: YES, MAAM!!!  
  
All: ....  
  
*They all sigh* ____________________________________________________________________________ _  
  
Stage 4: SEELE and JSSDF are teh bomb (literally)  
  
*One male NERV security guard named Tetsuma is giving head to a transfer officer from the American NERV branch named Chris*  
  
Chris: *in ecstacy* uhhhh, yeeessss, mmmmmm, ohhhhh yesss  
  
Tetsuma: *voice muffled by Chris's penis* Mfffff, *slurp* did you leave a wife, mmfffff, back in Utah *slobber*  
  
Chris: Ye--mmmmmmm, yessss, mmmmm, yesss-- I didd...  
  
Tetsuma: I, mfffff, *slobber, lick, slurp, slurp, drool* I see...  
  
*A JSSDF officer shoots Tetsuma in the back*  
  
Chris: YOU JERK, I WAS JUST ABOUT TO HAVE A CLIMAX!!!  
  
(NOW COMES IN THE GRAPHIC VIOLENCE PART)  
  
*The officers surrounded Chris. Chris attempted to unsheath his gun, but one of the JSSDF officers drew a knife and stabbed his hand first. He screamed in pain as he felt the blade slice into his muscles and flesh and snapped the tendons in his hand. Blood leaked down the knife as he collapsed to the ground in horrible agony. Then the officer shot Chris in the head. Chris got dead.  
  
(TEH GRAPHIC VIOLENCE PART HAS ENDED) ____________________________________________________________________________ _  
  
Stage 5: Back at NERV HQ yet again  
  
2015 AUDIO UNIT ENGAGING  
  
Shuichi: Hey give that song that just melodramatically blew into your hands by a strategically placed gust of wind back to me!  
  
Yuki: This song is shit. You have no talent at all. YOU SUCK!!  
  
Shuichi: Damn you, you mean asshole. So, wanna go do it now?  
  
Yuki: Sure!  
  
Ritsuko: Change it!  
  
All of the bridge bunnies: Yes, maam.  
  
*Ritsuko looks deep in thought*  
  
Misato: What's the matter with you?  
  
Ritsuko: Nothing... actually two things: number one, why have we only been getting into the gay dimensions?  
  
Misato: I dunno.  
  
Ritsuko: Second off, I was just thinking about how much of a pity it is that... YOU ALL HAVE TO DIE!!!!!  
  
*Ritsuko squashes Misato with a huge mallet that she got out of nowhere*  
  
Hyuga: Hey, I loved her!!  
  
*Hyuga gets flattened*  
  
Maya: Oh shit, I'm horny for you, Dr. Akagi, but you have gone too far now!! I will stop you!!  
  
*Maya then starts jacking off. Ritsuko tries to flatten Maya, but Aoba sacrifices his life and gets flattened instead*  
  
*Maya finally comes and squirts it on Ritsuko's face. Ritsuko begins to melt*  
  
Ritsuko: I-I'm melting.....noooooooooo.oo.o..oo.o.o....o....oo........o......  
  
*Ritsuko dies, and Misato comes back to life*  
  
Misato: I thought I was dead  
  
God: Shaddup, I can do whatever I want with you. You're in MY fic!!  
  
Misato: Then make me god!!  
  
God: Okay. I'll resign.  
  
*Misato becomes god, she wishes everyone back to life. She even lets Chris come in Tetsuma's mouth. Thus, all's well that ends well.*  
  
*But where are Shinji and Asuka anyways? And what about the JSSDF forces and Rei's battle with the MPEs. Wasn't Yui in Misato's vacuum cleaner? Well, to stay true to the tradition of the series, I will leave many questions unanswered. Hahahaha, thank Anno for this. If he hadn't left any unanswered questions, neither would I!!  
  
End note: I did like the original ending. 


End file.
